Let None of God’s People Separate

1 Cor 7:10 – 16

Connection/Tension

I’ve made it to my third year of marriage (which is short compared to some of you). I was thinking that marriage would mostly be smooth and would get smoother as time went on….

In some ways, it feels harder now than when we were first starting out. There’s still some growth, some breakthroughs my wife and me are needing to achieve to find the intimacy and closeness we want in our relationship.

As we pursue this, we live in a world that normalizes divorce, and face an enemy that wants to separate us from one another in his pursuit of separating us from God forever. All of you at the very least face those two hurdles.

So, how can we stay healthily, happily married in this hyper-modern age that has ill prepared us for marriage, in a world that normalizes divorce, and against a spiritual opponent who wants to tear our marriages down?

Context

We will listen to the Apostle Paul again this morning. We’re in a section of the letter now in which he is addressing the household and family relationships in relation to the church. We’ve heard about sex in marriage, last week we heard about singleness, and now we are going to learn about our call to fight against divorce. Let’s jump in together:

Revelation

10To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

Just about every time I come up here to preach, I am tempted to say, “this passage has a lot of mysterious and difficult things.” This is another one of those.

In this passage, the odd phrase, “not I, but the Lord” greets us. Paul is about to address those who are married, yet begins with this curious distinction. What is going on here?

This phrase does not imply that some of what Paul writes is Scripture and some is not. It also does not mean that Paul was not aware that he was writing Scripture or that the other Apostles/believers took it that way (cf.  2 Pet. 3:15 – 16).

Rather, Paul is distinguishing between what he’s writing as a reiteration of what Jesus already said in his earthly ministry and then what he teaches by the power of the Spirit in his own ministry.[1] So, verses 10 and 11 are reiterating what Jesus has already said and then verses 12 – 16 are what the Apostle Paul authoritatively teaches as he applies the wisdom of God to new situations.

Paul seems to be referencing teaching of Jesus that appears in Matthew 19, where, teaching about marriage, he says, “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (v. 6b). Now, Paul is reiterating that same teaching in his own words saying, “the wife should not separate from her husband…” and then there is a parenthetical statement…”and the husband should not divorce his wife.”

Full stop. Despite what our world teaches and models, despite our own inclinations at times, we must never bend to the notion that divorce is normal. Divorce is a corruption of the good design God had from the beginning. You see, these verses of Paul reference the teaching of Jesus in Matthew 19, and Jesus’s teaching in Mathew 19 echoes the language of Genesis 2 (let’s turn there for a moment before we return to 1 Cor 7).

Gen 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” God’s design was that the two would become one. In the beginning, he divided the man into two by pulling out one rib (he created a separation) to create the woman (v. 21). God then overcame that separation by uniting them together physically, emotionally, and spiritually.[2]

Now, before I teach any further on the wonder and mystery of marriage, I want to acknowledge something that’s simply the case: I know enough of your stories to know that there are a handful of divorced people in this room.

You might hear a sentence like, we must never normalize divorce, and feel a sense of guilt, shame, regret, or loneliness. I want to clarify right now: the intention of this sermon is not to make you feel worse or less than anyone else who stands before the foot of the cross- there is no such thing. None of us is in a relationship with God because we didn’t get divorced, we are in a relationship with God because Jesus was faithful to us when we were faithless!

Yet, I want to be honest about what this passage (and the Scriptures) teaches about divorce. I believe that honors your experience by being honest about what you suffered, and, I want to warn all the couples here lest they experience the same thing. I think if any one of you who had a divorce had the mic this morning, you would say, “fight right now against ever going down this path as much as it is in your power.”

So, getting back to the Scriptures, God created the woman separate from the man and made them one. It’s poetic, beautiful, and mysterious (Adam’s first recorded words in Scripture is him speaking a poem as soon as he lays eyes on the woman, v. 23).

And, this mysterious, poetic oneness God makes in the beginning is- above all- a picture of the greater oneness God intends for him and his people. He creates human beings outside, separate from himself and puts them in a path that leads to himself (Gen 2:15). What evidence is there of this? The Hebrew word “hold fast” is a word in the Scriptures that defines how God’s people are supposed to intimately and passionately relate to him (cf. Deut 10:20). In another letter, Paul calls marriage a “mystery” that pictures a relationship between Christ and his people (Eph 5:32).

In other words, your marriage is about more than your marriage (marriage is a seen thing that helps us to see an unseen thing). God communicates through marriage. God relates through marriage. God provides a window into spiritual reality through marriage. Which is why, when marriage functions healthily, it brings such life, blessing, and joy- not only to the couple alone, but to the generations after them and their communities about them. A healthy marriage is like a window into a world of love and a God of love that we all crave for in this broken earth.   

This same reality (that marriage depicts the bond between God and his people) is the same reason that divorce hurts so bad when it happens. Divorce is painful because the most painful thing of all is separation from God. If marriage depicts closeness and intimacy with God, divorce pictures death and separation apart from him, therefore it hurts.  

Our marriages are meant to tell a story: that there is a God who faithfully loves his people and gives them life. Divorce tells a false story to you and to others that there is not the intimacy available that your heart craves for. I think this is one reason that it can be hard for children of divorced parents to trust in God.

Again, if you have gone through divorce, this is not an attempt to put you down. Rather, I see these truths as validating your pain: it hurt so bad because marriage is a deep spiritual bond connected to things bigger than you and me.

Because divorce is so painful and God has called us to preserve our marriages, this sermon is a call not only to fight for your own marriage, but for our whole community to fight for all our marriages. By the grace of God, we have not had a single divorce in our church since this church began! And that’s saying something, because I know of one almost divorce- yet by the grace of God and intervention through our community, that couple is still together. We may have more almost-divorces to address one day, yet, may we all commit in our hearts- as much as is possible- to never see a divorce in our church- either our own or someone else’s- so far as it depends on us.

Now, there’s a phrase in the middle of our verse that the ESV takes as parenthetical- (but if she does [divorce], she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband). I don’t think that this verse only or primarily applies to females (even though Paul addresses it to the wife here). Rather, I suspect that there was a particular divorce or almost divorce taking place where the wife is the one initiating and Paul is speaking more directly into that situation, as you can see he applies the same stipulation to men not to divorce in the next phrase.

This verse elevates the commitment of marriage to the highest degree- if you divorce your spouse, Paul says to stay single or else reconcile to this person. Notice the grammar in this verse, it does not say “if her spouse divorces her” but rather “if she divorces her spouse.” There are instances in which someone experiences divorce and they are free to remarry. However, that’s later in the passage. The emphasis here is on the lifelong commitment of marriage and how if someone divorces, pleasing God looks like remaining single or renewing the marriage covenant with their spouse (that is, “being reconciled”).

That’s a heavy word and a strong requirement, yet the boundaries around marriage are as firm because the reality it’s picturing is weighty. These rules are not arbitrary- they are in place to preserve the picture of God’s character and greatness that marriage is. God protects marriage because his own name and reputation is worthy of protection- and marriage is a way he pictures his faithfulness to us.

To conclude this section that reiterates the teaching of Jesus, of all created things, marriage is meant to be the clearest picture of the character of God, and so we must protect it.

And just one quick point of application: the weightiness of marriage doesn’t just determine if we divorce or not, it should shape how we treat our spouses daily. The way you treat your spouse does not come down to how deserving they are, but how worthy God is. How have you done today? What’s one thing you need to change this afternoon?

Now, let’s move onto Paul’s teaching on marriage that’s even more specifically addressed to the Corinthian situation,

12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.

Now, Paul is writing authoritatively his own teaching rather than reviewing the teachings of Christ that are already authoritative (that’s why he says “I, not the Lord”). He’s addressing a situation in which there are likely believers in the church in Corinth who are married to unbelievers and are wondering what to do. That sounds very hard. Some of you have experienced this. They are wondering, should I seek a divorce?

To some degree, that makes sense. There are two totally different views of the world. To a certain degree, there is darkness mixed with light. Perhaps they married when they were both unbelievers and now one of the spouses started following Jesus (and the other refused). Maybe it would just make sense to go our separate ways and start over…

And yet, the apostle Paul gives them a huge view of marriage here. Even in this situation, he says, “no.” If the unbelieving spouse agrees to stay married to you, stay married to them.” Why? We are going to see some further reasons in the passage. Yet, for right now, we should mention that staying married when it’s hard, even when it’s hard like this, still pictures God’s faithfulness. There’s a beauty in a healthy, flourishing marriage of two people following Jesus. And, there’s another kind of beauty (a sadder yet still wonderful beauty) of someone who faithfully stays married to someone who does not have a love for Jesus- as hard as that would be. There are people in our church who must walk this road. They deserve our compassion, prayers, encouragement and love. Their difficult situation should not be lost on us (those in DNA with these folks, please push in).

And, there are people in our church who have spouses who may follow Jesus- and there are times they feel hard to stay married to- more than you were expecting. If this is your situation, don’t feel like you are alone or you are crazy- my wife has commented to me on how I am tougher than she thought I would be. And yet, for us, and for you, there is a way forward.

The way forward is never about dreaming about getting out or how you can get out. If your heart is taking your imagination to that place- it’s time to take up the sword of the Spirit and strike some of your thoughts down- that’s not God’s plan for your path forward. The path forward he has for you is healing through honestly and respectfully sharing your hurts and feelings (possibly with help from someone else) and taking steps forward towards reconciliation and growth.  

The Apostle then gives quite a mysterious reason why it’s good to stay married even to someone who doesn’t believe in Jesus:

14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

Paul uses the language of “unclean” and “holy.” This language echoes the priestly duty in the Old Testament to distinguish between who or what God permits to come into his presence and who or what should not.  

Paul is answering the concern that living with an unbelieving spouse would be corrupting to one’s faith and purity before God.[3] His answer echoes what we see elsewhere in the New Testament, that Jesus has a “contagious holiness.”[4] In the Old Testament, there’s an emphasis on physical separation to protect moral separation from the world’s value system. In the New Testament, there’s the same emphasis on moral separation (we must not live like the world), and yet, Jesus has sent us into the world (we must live near those who don’t know God). Which means, that we must influence them more than they influence us- that’s what contagious holiness is.

And here, Paul is arguing that this principle applies to household, and that the godly thing to do is to continue to live with your unbelieving family. God means for your influence over them to be greater than their influence over you (at least when it comes to where you and your spouse place your ultimate hope and trust). God means for your influence to be greater not because you are more powerful than they, but because the one who lives within you is.  

This verse is meant to give great hope to you who are married to someone who does not know Jesus yet (just see verse 16). It should also give great hope to you who live with kids who don’t yet believe. God means to give his people great influence in their households to transform those with whom they live. The solution to being family with unbelievers is not to flee from them, but to be as holy as possible in close relationship with them.

I think it is often easy to emphasize our personal holiness around our neighbors or friends as a way of leading them to Jesus- only to let our guard down behind closed doors and be less holy among our families. I say this to myself and to all of us: that’s a double life. God desires that our character in our households would be as radical and Christlike as ever so that whether our spouse or kids know Jesus yet, our day by day behavior is consistently influencing them towards him.

Paul then closes this section by offering more guidance to a hard situation:  

15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

There is a sad situation where a believer wants to stay married to their unbelieving spouse, and to see them come to know Jesus, and the unbelieving spouce just don’t want to. Apart from anything you can say or do, they want out.

Paul says in this situation, you are no longer bound to that marriage. I take that word “enslaved” to mean that you must keep pursuing a marriage that the other person doesn’t want to have (that sounds miserable).

There is room for disagreement here, but I believe that this verse means that if you did not initiate the divorce, and even sought to keep the marriage together, and your spouse leaves anyway, that you become free to remarry. At that point, you are not breaking the marriage covenant, your spouse is, and so you’re released from that commitment

(also in Jesus’s teaching in Matt 19, which Paul seems to reference in this chapter, Jesus talks about sexual immorality being the other ground on which a marriage covenant could end. If you have any questions about that, please follow up with me or one of the other elders).

I want to address a few other situations related to divorce and remarriage:

1.       Some of you may have had a divorce in which you didn’t follow this text and now you are remarried. And all I would say to you is to honor the marriage covenant that you’re in with all your heart. No matter how you ended up in the marriage you are in now, if it’s the marriage you’re in now, God wants you to treasure and protect it.

 

2.       Someone might wonder how this text would apply to abusive marriages. I think those situations are complex and need the wisdom of the community and pastors to work though. But, for this moment, I will just say that I think regular abuse can qualify as an unbelieving spouse “separating” even if they are remaining physically present.  

 

Yet, I think the big burden and take away for this text is for us to fight like crazy for all our marriages. The enemy’s design for your marriage is that it would crumble. Healthy marriages built around Christ point communities and the following generations to God. Broken marriages do the opposite. So much of all we aim to do here, multiplying worshippers of Jesus, depends on our marriages not just staying together, but staying healthy. Limping families seldom make disciples; heathy vibrant household do.

To those of you who are married, are you holding onto some kind of grudge or hurt towards your spouse? Is there something you need to share with them you’ve been holding within? Is there some behavior you need to turn from? One path forward is speaking both our hurts and our desires within our marriage openly and honestly. Vulnerability is the only way out of isolation and into relationship. You won’t grow unless you can be open.

To those of you who are not married, would you make fighting for the marriages in our community a priority of yours? Would you pray for other marriages, and would you become invested in them? What I mean by that is seek out relationships with couples so that you can encourage them, serve them, and know them well. Then, Lord willing, you will have opportunities to speak into other marriages with wisdom. You don’t need to be married to have helpful things to say to married people- you just need the Holy Spirit. And, whatever you do, don’t ever be the cause of hurting a marriage by developing some kind of emotional or romantic connection with someone who is married- be on guard for other marriages by being on guard for how your own heart connects to those who are married.

And for those of you who don’t follow Jesus yet, I want to remind you that the best earthly marriage you can imagine is but a picture of the intimacy, life, and joy you are called to in relationship with God. Following Jesus is the way. Would you join with us?

Jesus gave his life for his people to create a bond of intimacy that never ends. Our marriages exist for several reasons, yet pointing to the bond between Christ and his people is the great reason. This makes marriage sacred, it makes it holy, it makes it worth fighting for, all the time. No matter where you or your spouse are at, divorce is never inevitable. In fact, if you share in the gospel and will mutually repent of your sin, the only thing that is inevitable is lifelong marriage.

Let’s pray.

 

 

[1] Biblical Studies Press, The NET Bible, Second Edition. (Denmark: Thomas Nelson, 2019).

[2] Tim Mackey in his Bible Project Podcast made this point.

[3] Anthony C. Thiselton, The First Epistle to the Corinthians: A Commentary on the Greek Text, New International Greek Testament Commentary (Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans, 2000), 528.

[4] Craig L. Blomberg, Contagious Holiness: Jesus’ Meals with Sinners, ed. D. A. Carson, vol. 19, New Studies in Biblical Theology (England; Downers Grove, IL: Apollos; InterVarsity Press, 2005).