Session 3: Awareness – Avoiding Enemy Mode (The divided self)

Session 3 - Awareness – Avoiding Enemy Mode (The divided self)

Eph. 4:15 and 25-27

Slide Matthew 11:28-30 – “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

What word or phrase are you noticing? 

What do you sense you are being invited into?

How would you like to respond to God? 

When he is saying this what is the look on His face?

What sense do you get of how far or close God is to you?

What do you sense he is thinking, feeling or doing?  How does he want to interact with you?

(Lack of awareness.  Forclosure home.  We tapped off the whole house and decided to spray kilz on everything because of the horrible smells from animals, smoke and other stenches.  As I was spraying the house I was in the smallest room in the smallest closet and was feeling kinda weird.  My world was closing in but I avoided that and thought I would be fine.  Turns out I should have paid attention to those feelings.  My brother found me wandering around and falling into walls and speaking gibberish.  My brother last weekend told me about this and I have no recollection of some parts of it.  I literally saw men in plastic suits chasing me.  My brother carried me out to the front lawn and I tripped into the yard.  I was definitely tripping.  He left me on the front porch and said stay here.  2 thumbs up.   tried to convince my brother I was on the front of a paint can forever.  Turns out we should have ventilated better.  I told him I would drive and he wouldn’t let me.  Everything funny)

Slide - Tim Keller says “the gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.” 

This is what frees us up at whatever age we are emotionally to look at our brokenness because that is not what defines us.  Two young fish were swimming along and an old fish said to them… how is the water?  They looked at him weird and didn’t answer and kept swimming.  They started making fun of the old fish and saying how weird he was… what water?  They didn’t know the water they were swimming in… their story.  The old wise fish did!

Noticing, naming and taming our emotions.  Our emotions reveal need, and this leads us back to God, self and others.  If we ignore our need we diminish and this is where it is important to notice and name.  If we exaggerate our need we still need to notice but we need to tame by leading our emotions instead of it leading us. 

As we explore self-knowledge or self-awareness it is important to realize that theologians throughout history have seen the importance of knowing God and knowing self as completely tied together.  Look at what Calvin said…

Slide - Man never attains to a true self-knowledge until he has previously contemplated the face of God, and come down after such contemplation to look into himself….The knowledge of God and the knowledge of ourselves are bound together by a mutual tie, but we must treat of the former in the first place, and then descend to the latter.  John Calvin – The Institutes   

Slide - Thomas a Kempis said “a humble self-knowledge is a surer way to God than a search after deep learning.” 

Slide - Augustine’s prayer was “Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee.” 

These are just a few theologians through history that believe that knowing God and knowing self are critically important to true awareness.  We do not see others or God as they are but rather as we are.  It is the story, lens and worldview that you grew up in.  If you do not know yourself or your own story you do not know the lens that you are looking through.  You don’t know the water that you are swimming in. 

You don’t control your sinful burdened self… it controls you.  If you don’t know yourself you cannot have self-control.  Another way of saying this is that you cannot die to a self you don’t know. 

Mark 8:34-38 – For whoever tries to save his life – is the word soul/psyche.  If we try to save our soul we will lose it.  Whoever loses his life/soul desire for me will save it.  Why because our souls are restless until they find deep rest in Him.  He is what our soul is made for.  If we try to satisfy our soul with anything less than Him we will lose our soul.  What would it profit a man to gain the whole world… appetite, approval and power and forfeit his very soul… security, belonging and significance.  Our soul is the very essence of us and is the seat of our desires.  Jesus is the most life-giving person you can know.  If we try to find life apart from him we miss out on life.

Curt Thompson who wrote the anatomy of the soul says for every one look at ourselves we need 10 looks at Jesus.  We need to look Godwardly inward.  Dallas Willard said that if we don’t focus on our relationship with God in this provess of self-awareness “we will denigrate into technique and practice and will miss out on what is is all about…. Relationship”  This is why looking at attachment wounds and self-awarenss is so crucial to emotional/spiritual health and maturity. 

Stories engage our right brain and help us connect relationally.  Awareness really comes back to how our families shaped us growing up.  We were made for the garden of Eden and no matter what family you grew up in we all have wounds because our parents couldn’t meet all of our needs.  We all have wounds because of this.  Gen. 3:1-9 – Where are you?  Not just a physical question but also an awareness question.  When we share our stories to an empathic witness it brings healing and wholeness.  Sin separates and disintegrates.

The old self is the divided self.  It has been divided because of sin.  It is compulsive, greedy, transactional, constantly performing and seeking approval and often reactive and defensive.  The new self or Spirit led self is loving, peaceful, compassionate and has nothing to prove, gain or lose.  It has all of the fruit of the Spirit. 

Sin is like a parasite… it needs a host.  So it uses the core longings and makes imitation longings like comfort/control, approval and performance.   Similarly God is an emotional God.  Emotions are good but sin distorts them by exaggerating them and we become dominated by them or diminishing them.  When this happens, we are functioning in immature, reactive, and unhealthy ways.  We are trying to manage, control and manipulate others instead of giving and receiving love.  Often in marriages, each spouse goes one of two directions: diminishment of emotions or dominated by emotions.  We like to view these as two ditches, and in marriage, they play off of each other in a pronounced way.  As one person is dominated by or exaggerates their needs and emotions more, the other person tends to diminish theirs. Neither person is expressing their emotions in a healthy, differentiated way.

Slide - Eph. 4:22-24 – Titus 3:5.  Our work is to put off and put on.  God’s work of redemption is to redeem.

We are to put off our old self which is being corrupted by deceitful desires and put on our new self which is our true self-created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  When we are in our old self our attachment pattern (by the way Rom. 12:2 says don’t be conformed to the pattern of this world) The world has a pattern and we are influenced by it.  When we live by this instead of renewing our mind in Christ we miss taking hold of that which is truly life!

Either Ryan’s concussion story or Texas Roadhouse - Ryans concussion story – He hit his head and the rest of his body wasn’t functioning well.  Similarly, when we are out of touch with God the body doesn’t function correctly without the head.    Because of rebellion there is separation and disintegration of our person.  We restore order by noticing and naming all the various parts and for some of us that includes taming.  When we differentiate parts of ourselves it is like being introduced to the hand for the first time and you see it is good for waving, picking up stuff, typing and pulling yourself up.  It can be used for hitting, sending obscene gestures and throwing things.  There is health and unhealth.  As I know its role I can integrate it into the whole body. 

Slide - Differentiation of Identity - When people can emotionally differentiate between their true identity of blessing in Jesus and the lies that the enemy is trying to convince them of the healing journey grows exponentially.  Story of Texas Roadhouse and my family.  Our family of origin was a far cry from the garden of Eden and we have believed many subtle lies of the enemy.  I have believed a subtle lie that because of being dominated by emotions I am worthless and not worth pursuing.  This used to be unconscious, but I am becoming more aware of this.  This is a subtle lie that I didn’t know I was believing that left me in a funk.  Now that I have deeper awareness, I can recognize the lie of the enemy.  So instead of basing my identity on what I have done or not done we are looking to what Jesus has done on our behalf.  That was my past messaging and the lies of the enemy. I appreciate Tim Kellers quote in the Meaning of Marriage.  “The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”  Our being is now secure in Jesus if we are trusting in Jesus perfect work on the cross.  We are baptized into a new identity.  We can hear the Father of truth saying his blessing over us just as he said it over Jesus at his baptism.  Only as you take this blessing of the Father into your earthly relationships and marriage are you able to differentiate past lies telling you that you are a failure, alone or worthless.  Through Christ as we can differentiate past messaging from true identity and listen to our ultimate marriage partner remind us of our blessing.  When we do this, we are able to grow in emotional differentiation.

Aaron: Into Negative Pattern concept – enemy mode

Eph. 4:25-27 - We have seen that the enemy tempts us with appetite/approval and performance/power.  These are temptations that draw us in and when we are functioning in our attachment tendencies we become a conduit of the Father of lies to others.  That is the last thing that we would want to do.  In light of my attachment style of vacillator I believe that I am not worth pursuing or worthwhile.  I know that isn’t true but implicitly I believe this.  Glori believes she is going to be alone.  When I am vacillating and pushing and pulling relationally she feels emotionally abandoned and alone.  When she pleases me in order to appease me she is essentially non verbally saying you are not worth pursuing.  The enemy is creative at using our attachment wounds to reinforce lies that have been embedded in us from childhood.  When we are in enemy mode we are believing lies of the enemy and we are becoming a conduit of the enemy flowing through us to others.  We need to recognize the importance of staying relational and staying out of enemy mode.  He has come to steal, kill and destroy and Jesus has come to give life and life to the full.

We are going to see what happens in the worst moments when these two core imprints are not vulnerable.  We need you to know that enemy mode can be subtle too.  While they’re sometimes intense, they’re most often subtle-- happening without us even knowing it.   Whatever pain is not transformed from the past is transmitted relationally.

The saddest part of this is that when we are in enemy mode the enemy uses the stronghold he has in each person’s life to feed the greatest lie in the other person.  Enemy mode is when our relational circuits shut down and we are looking to solve problems through flight, fight or freeze.  The enemy convinces us of the lie that our spouse is the enemy.  We allow the enemy to get a foothold by speaking our spouse's greatest lie through our attachment imprint.  We also hear our own greatest lie.  This has been happening like crazy all over social media and politically.   Another key element to understand is that our fight is not against flesh and blood.. It says in Eph. 6:12, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”  The enemy uses the brokenness of our families to speak our greatest lie.  He is constantly seeking to steal, kill and destroy and turn spouses against each other.  He uses the basic temptation and attachment that is strongest in each other to speak the greatest lie to one another..  Remember that this is implicit, not explicit.  I never wake up and think I know what I am going to do today… speak Glori’s greatest lie.  He loves to steal, kill and destroy and enjoys entangling us in fear, guilt and shame.

If it’s hysterical, it’s historical

Slide - Matt. 7:3-5. 

10/2 reactions: where did the other 8 come from?  -10/2: where did the other 12 go?  Log and the speck

Notice what it says a little later in Eph. 4:25-27 which is still hinging on learning to speak the truth in love.  “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.  Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity (foothold) to the devil.”  Notice that the first verse is speaking to the people who like to minimize the truth in order to come across loving.  This isn’t speaking the truth in love… this is pleasing☺.  This is codependent instead of differentiated.  Then it says be angry and do not sin (vacillators and possibly avoiders☺) or people who have a tendency to verbalize their anger.  Don’t give a full vent to your anger; it actually destroys relationships and gives the devil a foothold.  But so does letting the sun go down on your anger (avoiders or pleasers).  These old ways of handling things gives the devil a foothold and causes bitterness to take root.  At the end of the chapter the solution to all this anger is vulnerable forgiveness because Christ forgave us. Notice in verse 32 it says be kind to one another tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.  We learn how to be vulnerable and tenderhearted from Christ.  [5] This is why it is so important to recognize enemy mode, call a timeout so that we can re-engage when our relational circuits are back online and we can relate to one another in healthy ways. 

Glori: The way out of enemy mode is vulnerability.  For vacillators look to the sadness underneath the anger.  For pleasers look at the fear underneath the pleasing and for avoiders notice the fear and sadness.  If you can share this it will lead to safety, vulnerability and secure attachment. We have a God who leads us in vulnerability.  Listen to what God says to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me…   For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2 Cor. 12:9-10

At the end of the day we are a bunch of little kids walking around in adult bodies until we learn to be vulnerable with each other or we will never grow up emotionally.  I am a firm believer that you cannot grow spiritually beyond where you are emotionally.

One of the great things I say to couples is that now we have a common enemy to fight against.  Our fight is not against flesh…  That is why it is so important to call time outs.  It's a way of keeping the venom out of the garden… the father of lies from using us as a conduit of his greatest lies. 

In the same way that the spiritual body has many parts as does the physical body.  No one argues with this but our soul has many parts to it that often manifest in the body.  Stress in neck and shoulders, fear or panic in chest, anxious stomach, weak in the knees.  This is not visible so it is harder for our left brains to buy into this until we do some work recognizing these various parts of our soul.  A family systems therapist discovered this way of working with trauma as he discovered that many of the external family roles were mirrored in our internal family system through various parts of our soul.  Parts work as a way towards unity in the midst of diversity.  We have to differentiate in order to help parts integrate as a whole.

Adam and Eve were home in the Father’s love.  He was protecting them but they listened to the enemy and believed that they could be their own protector.  They ignored the Father of truth and listened to the Father of lies.  This caused them to be exiled from the heavenly Fathers presence.  Israel looked for kings to protect them and were eventually exiled to Babylon and Assyria because again they were trying to be their own protectors.  In the story of the prodigal son the younger son is anxious – preoccupied and is dominated by his desires.  His father was extending love but all the sons were interested in is the inheritance.  Through trying to protect himself he exiled himself from his fathers love.  The elder brother does this through diminishing his desires but is also more interested in the inheritance than he is in the relationship with his dad.  When the younger sons protectors didn’t work for him he comes home hoping that his dad could protect him.  He comes home as an orphan.  He is poor and almost naked and blinded by his own desires to protect.  Only when he lays them down can he receive the Father’s love.  Only when he looks at the Father as his ultimate protector can he see that he is still a son.  He is welcomed into the Fathers banquet of love where the Father delights in him and invites the whole city to celebrate his son no longer being in exile. 

This gives whole new meaning to Jesus mission statement: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor, He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”  Luke 4:18-19  These young exiled parts of our soul long to return home to the Father’s love.  We ache for home and our souls are restless until they find deep rest in Him. 

Firefighters – Extinguish the flame of pain - Dominated by desire (Younger brother in the story of prodigal son – anxious) – Reactive – addictions and other extreme things to keep us from feeling any pain.

Managers – Proactively help motivate us to avoid feeling the pain - Diminish desire (Elder Brother in the story of prodigal son – also avoider)

Exiles – Carry overwhelming pain from the past and are frozen or stuck in the past.

Spirit led self – The core of who we were back in Eden.  Full of “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” This is the core you that is meant to lead all the desiring parts of our soul.  Sometimes theologians say that we should look godwardly inward because at the core of us is our image bearing self and if full of the Spirit is our Spirit led self.  We have been talking about returning home to the Father’s love this whole weekend.  This is home!

Parts are at war inside of me because they are carrying burdens/false beliefs of the enemy.  Rom. 7

The problem is that in any given moment we are blended with various parts of our soul that may or may not know Jesus. 

God married himself to us and led in vulnerability on the cross.  He took the punishment of our sin and the ways we prostitute ourselves to other gods (comfort/control, approval, power).  He took on all the fear, shame and guilt so we can be vulnerable with one another.  We no longer have to hide, cover or blame because Jesus has made the perfect offering by hiding us, clothing us with righteousness and taking all the blame on himself.  Therefore we can come before one another vulnerable and expose our weaknesses in order that God’s power and presence can comfort us and help us comfort one another.  Many times this is in ways that we were not comforted as children.  (The word comfort in greek is the word parakolete or parakoleo which means to come alongside us and walk with us in the mess.  It doesn’t mean to pull us out.)

Aaron: Vacuum Cleaner illustration – you can be a conduit of either God’s love or of our partner’s greatest lie.  We have the potential to be a conduit of God’s blessing flowing through us to build up, encourage and comfort or we can actually be an agent of the enemy and like I was electrocuted with voltage passing through me when we are pleasing, avoiding, vacillating or even in controller/victim we are creating a foothold for the enemy to speak his greatest lie to their heart.  This is a lie that started in their childhood.  Just like the unconscious purpose of marriage is to complete childhood, the enemy's purpose is to re-enforce the lies that were embedded in our unconscious and he does it through these broken attachment patterns.  This is why it is so essential to grow awareness so we are not inadvertently allowing poison and cursing to flow through you to your spouse.  The way out is vulnerability just like Jesus led in vulnerability when he came and defeated the enemy in the wilderness.

Remember that we have the opportunity to be a conduit of either the Father of truth flowing through us towards our spouse and others or a conduit of the father of lies.  This is why we need to be so careful to call time outs.  We have a common enemy and we need to link arms in fighting against the liar.   

Old self/new self - exercise – Eph. 4:22-24 – 15 minutes

10 minutes q and a time – Spend a few minutes identifying your feelings and sharing them with someone.