Jesus In Our Singleness and Marriage (1 Cor 7:6-9)
Most of the challenging issues we face in the Christian life require discernment and wisdom. There are often not easy, black and white answers like we might hope. Instead, in God’s wise design we are welcomed into a dependent relationship with a good heavenly Father who delights to give wisdom and understanding to all who ask. Just after speaking about the constant trials of life that we face, James writes, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you” (James 1:5).
One of the most challenging times of life that desperately requires wisdom is the “not yet married” stage. (I borrow this phrase from Marshall Segal who argues in his book Not Yet Married that because most will marry this may be the better, more fitting language.) Statistically speaking, most people get married, especially in the church. But the time leading up to that is often very complicated. It was for me. I went from a broken engagement at 21, to about five years thinking I might remain single for a lifetime, to a five year period of dating and struggling in prayer until I was married at 31. Com-pli-ca-ted!
Whether you are single as a widow, divorced, dating, or waiting, this time in our lives can be very confusing because the world, our flesh, and the devil are constantly pulling us away from God’s good designs. It is hard to be single and godly in this culture. So we’re left wondering: “Should I even get married when I have so much baggage with dating, or when the marriages you see are broken or you're surrounded by divorce? Maybe you're concerned with how marriage might hinder career or ministry plans?
For some of you this is confusing. For others, it is a cause of great pain. You’ve prayed for a spouse for so long. You’ve already had a broken marriage. Perhaps you fear that you are too old for marriage or that you are not worthy of someone’s love. Wherever you find yourself this morning, I believe God wants to speak to you and remind you of his goodness in both marriage and singleness and invite you into deeper intimacy with him regardless of your current station.
Context
As we’ve been learning, the Corinthian church was a mess. The major issue we’ve been looking at the last few weeks concerned their view and practice of sexuality. Ironically, while some treated sex like they would treat food, to be used according to desire and need, we learned last week that others in the church were treating sex – even in marriage – as a forbidden thing, like it made someone unholy. Paul’s response was to the contrary, verse 2, “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” In other words, most of you should get married and in marriage have “regular, mutual, and generous” sex, as Pastor Scott so helpfully explained last week.
But that’s not the end of the story. In today’s text, Paul completes his response to this important question about sex and marriage by giving a fuller perspective on marriage in the kingdom of God, showing that while most should marry, some will not because God provides for them all they need in himself apart from marriage. And this is a good and even desirable thing.
The main point of this sermon is that whether single or married, devote yourselves to Jesus and he will give you all you need.
Let’s unpack this. Here’s the first point Paul teaches:
Choosing singleness is a good choice and more should choose it.
1 Corinthians 7:6-8
6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am.
Paul says that he makes his point as a concession, not a command. As Christians, we are a people under commands, commands from our commander, the Lord Jesus. In a command there is not a choice. But Paul makes a statement as a concession. To give concession is to give “permission to do something” or to “yield” to another’s desire.
If you look in your Bibles, you will find a footnote at the end of verse 6 saying that the word “this” could end with a colon. Why is that important? Because the Greek grammar makes it difficult to know whether this concession is referring to some or all of what he said before or what he is about to say regarding singleness.2 I think there are strong cases to be made on either side. But I don’t have time to unpack all of those arguments.
2 Anthony C. Thiselton, The First Epistle to the Corinthians: A Commentary on the Greek Text, New International Greek Testament Commentary (Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans, 2000), 510.
But what I do think is clear from this statement and from Paul’s tone in this entire chapter is that there are matters of command and there are matters of choice, which require wisdom. There is a choice in whether you marry or not, in the particulars of your sex life in marriage, even in whether you abstain for a time for the sake of prayer. There are choices to be made.
And while he argues strongly that marriage is good and wise for most, he now gives an important caveat in verse 7: “I wish that all were unmarried like me.”
This statement should stop everyone in their tracks. Wait, what? This is a shocking statement, first, because he argued so forcefully for marriage, and second because in that culture being unmarried meant you were looked down upon in society.
But he means it. In verse 8 he adds that it is “good” to remain single, and says it even stronger in verse 38 that choosing not to marry is even better than choosing to be married.
But we need to lean into the context to understand why he would say such a thing.
Last week, Pastor Scott highlighted from verse 5 that only prayer is worthy of fasting sex with your spouse, which says something about relationship with God. Relationship with God is our chief priority and can truly satisfy. Now, if you jump forward to verse 32-35 it gets even clearer. He says,
32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
Paul welcomes more into a life of chosen singleness in order to secure your undivided, that is singular, devotion to the Lord.
That is, give up marriage and all the joys that are entailed for a relationship far surpassing in greatness.
To those of you who are born again, this idea, though hard, seems good and right because you know something about the worth of knowing Jesus. But to someone who either doesn’t believe or is here just because it seems like the right thing to do, then this won’t make any sense at all. This seems like a crazy thing to do.
It’s so important that you understand that the Christian faith is not just a religion to practice. It’s not just something we do. It’s who we are. To be a Christian is to be united body and soul to the living God.
In chapter 6:17 Paul writes, 17 But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. He continues in verse 19:
19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
This is the most intimate kind of relationship that God can have with us and he uses human marriage to describe it.
When you believe and are baptized, you have wholly devoted yourself to Jesus, even as a spouse devotes themselves to the other so that we are no longer our own, but belong to wholly to God.
This is a mystery, but we have been joined to God in an inseparable union.
That truth blows my mind. How can a sinful man like me be joined to the Holy One. Why does he want to be so near me? But he does. It sounds too good to be true. But it is!
This is what would lead a man or woman to be anxious about the things of the Lord, that is, extremely thoughtful about how to please the Lord and how to be holy in body and spirit. This is why Paul can invite others to join him in the unmarried life of singular devotion to the Lord, free of other anxieties.
This chapter is hard and sometimes controversial. But I believe that if God gave us a little bit more revelation about how good it really is for us who are in Christ, that we would begin to see hard statements like “I wish all of you were single” as no-brainers.
But let’s unpack this a little bit more.
Paul says that if you get married, you become divided in giving devotion to the Lord. What does it mean to be divided?
Instead of having one relationship to focus on, you now have two. We heard last week that in marriage “the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Co 7:3-4).
And this is really beautiful when your marriage is centered around Christ-like giving rather than selfish taking. But you see, now in addition to belonging wholly to Christ, the married person now belongs to another.
This isn’t a bad thing, it just is. I can attest to this. The married person is not wholly devoted to figuring out how to please the Lord with body and spirit but becomes additionally devoted to figuring out how to please their spouse. Your interests are divided.
Ultimately, Paul is not trying to guilt anyone out of pursuing marriage or to cause anyone to regret their choice, but rather, he wants to remind us that our identity and value as Christians is not found in our marital status or in anything else, but in our union to Jesus. This informs our marriages and shows that chosen singleness is a really good choice for the Christian because of how good it is to be in relationship with Jesus and because of how it provides more focused energy on that relationship.
If you are not yet married, have you taken the time to really consider this? You should. Our Lord Jesus welcomes you to consider. I believe this word is an invitation to more intimacy with him. When you see it that way, it starts to sound pretty good.
This leads to the second point we draw from the text.
Whether you choose marriage or singleness, both are gifts of grace.
Look at verse 7 again.
7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
Though Paul wishes that many more would be single like him, he understands this important truth, which he states earlier in 1 Corinthians 4:7: “What do you have that you did not receive?”
Paul makes the connection to our topic. Some will be married, and that is because of how God wired you, the gifts he’s given you. Some of you are not yet married but desire marriage strongly. That desire is from the Lord. But others of you are happily single, and whether that is for a season or for a lifetime, then know that is a gift of God. Ultimately, these are questions to discern in prayer and in Christian community.
But if it’s from God, do we still have a choice?
Our text says yes. Vs. 9 says: But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
In other words, what do you want? What do you feel like you need? The choice is yours.
When Paul says that some have a gift to remain single, he doesn’t mean that you are somehow involuntarily forced to be single and that you must learn to swallow this “gift” as repulsive as it may seem. That is simply not how God works, because he is generous not stingy– as the whole of Scripture would show us.
Instead, your desires will be a sign of the gift the Lord has given you. If God has provided you strength to remain focused in your singular devotion to the Lord without intense distraction or desire, that’s a gift of grace. Remaining unmarried is a good choice for you, and it’s given or empowered by the Lord.
It’s my view and experience that it is better not to treat this as a lifelong decision. Chosen singleness can be for a few years or a decade. Maybe it is for a lifetime. At one point in my life I wrestled through this. Having come out of a messy engagement, I was fully content being single and super engaged in ministry and thought perhaps that would be for a lifetime. But I was encouraged by a mentor to take it a year at a time rather than vowing to a life of celibacy. That was such good counsel for me and I still ended up devoting nearly a decade of my life to focused ministry rather than to dating or the pursuit of marriage. As a result I had some very fruitful seasons of ministry and deep communion with the Lord. I believe that was a gift of grace to me for a particular season.
But for others it is not a good choice. They will struggle with self-control, they will “burn with passion”. Their desire for marriage will be strong, so Paul says, they should choose to get married. Not, I guess it’s ok if you really have to. No, you “should”. This is the “better” choice for you and this also is given or empowered by the Lord.
Whether you choose marriage or singleness, both are gifts of grace.
But I need you to hear me loud and clear on this: Unchosen singleness is not what Paul is talking about here when he uses the word “gift.”
Some of you are experiencing right now the very real trial that though you want to be married, it has not become a reality for you. This should not be called a “gift”, but rather a burden.
The challenge of not being able to find a godly spouse is more and more common, especially in the church and especially among women because of the evil and brokenness of our culture.
For one, the world has chewed up men and spit them out. The percentage of church-going Christian men is significantly lower than women.
This is in part because men have been taught by our culture that “nice guys finish last”. In other words, the bad boys are the desirable, not the good boys. Instead of being called to step up and become a mature man who can lead a family, their adolescence is encouraged. It’s not the one
who puts in the work to be a godly man who seems to win, but the guy who is thrill-seeking who can show the girl a good time. All of this is incredibly shallow, but has sunk deep into our hearts and informed our expectations for dating and marriage.
Additionally, sex is regarded with almost as little care as choosing what to eat for dinner. It is given freely regardless of commitment. Sexual pleasure is found without the work of pursuing relationship but rather at the click of a mouse, leading to unholy and unrealistic expectations for a spouse, leading to fewer people pursuing lasting relationships and fewer people getting married.
Our culture depicts marriage, especially marriage that defines any sort of roles, as freedom-stealing and a hindrance to personal development, even damaging to an individual’s sense of autonomy. Which is partially why divorce rates are so incredibly high, some 6 out of 10 end in divorce.
When you take an honest look at how our culture views marriage, you find that it is not about a covenant built on love and service to another person, but rather an institution that serves love of self, to be dispensed as soon as it fails to serve you the way you want it to.
These factors make finding a godly spouse very difficult. So, I grieve with you if you are in this situation today and I would love to pray with you and talk with you more about this.
Again, this should not be called a “gift”, but rather a burden.
However, if you know our Father and his heart for you, then you will know that even this trial can be received as a gift of grace in a different sense, because our Father never wastes anything. As he is present with you on lonely nights or sad days, as he provides little daily graces to help you remain faithful, he has given you everything that temporary marriage is pointing to. That is enough for us to find contentment and joy in this station and in every trial.
This leads to my main point as I bring this to a close.
Whether single or married, devote yourselves to Jesus and he will give you all you need.
Friends, we are prone to wander. We are prone to doubt God and the goodness of his designs and to become cynical. We are prone to idolize marriage or sex and forget what is true, that whether single or married, God is the ever-satisfying one. In his presence is fullness of joy, at his right hand are pleasures forevermore. Not just for a little while, but forevermore.
But we need more than a sermon, we need living examples. So, I want to remind you who are married in the room of your role in helping the church believe this. Your marriage is a living example of the goodness of God’s design in marriage and an example of the intimate relationship God wants with us. But there is a way in your marriage to uphold this truth that Christ is ultimate and marriage is not. With the way you keep Christ at the center of the marriage in the way you pray and worship together, with the way you keep him central in parenting in how you train your children in the Lord, with the way you prioritize Christ’s mission in your life rhythms, you can show the beauty of marriage while highlighting the greater, more ultimate marriage union we have with Jesus. Additionally, welcome singles into your family life so they can see this and even support your family mission initiatives.
And if you are single, with the way you talk and walk, you are preaching a message to your peers and to the world about how good it is to be in relationship with Jesus. Can others see that you are happy in Jesus? Can others see how much he means to you in the way you give yourself to holiness, to prayer, and to his mission? You have an amazing opportunity right now, like Christ, like Paul and countless others throughout history, to be wholly devoted and faithful soldiers in Christ’s mission. You have an amazing and unique opportunity to serve and go to places that families cannot. That kind of lifestyle preaches. The lives of John Stott, John Gresham Macham and Amy Carmichael who remained single for the sake of the Gospel preaches to the world and even to married folks like me to get our priorities right.
I’m not saying you can’t talk and pray and work towards marriage and be honest about real struggles. You need to do that! But there is a way to do those things that shows how good and all-satisfying Jesus is. Many of the singles in our church family are exemplary in these things, giving themselves to service and mission cheerfully. I would just call you all the more to live like this.
And with Paul, I would also invite you who are not yet married, to seriously consider remaining single if God would give you the grace to do so for the sake of your undivided devotion to the Lord and his mission.
But if you are not yet married but burning with passion and struggling with self-control, you should marry. Paul said in verse 9 that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. I’m so thankful for how straightforward this statement is. There was a time in my life that I realized this and had to lay aside my ideas of a life of singleness and pursue marriage. And I’m so thankful for my marriage.
Please understand that everyone of us was created with sexual capacity and desire, as well as desire for intimate relationship with others. So, I’m not talking about perfect control or complete lack of desire here, but real consistent control, mentally, physically, emotionally. This doesn’t just have to be sexual. When you get around the opposite sex, do you find yourself constantly wondering if they are spouse material? Some of you have ongoing crushes and it’s rare that you wouldn’t have a strong interest in someone. All of that I think is summarized by this phrase “burn with passion.”
This is very real and challenging, and I want to call you again, even in your waiting, even in your burning, not to give in to sexual immorality, but to come to devote yourself to Jesus and he will give you all you need.
Family, please do not twist this idea of burning with passion to justify self-gratification of the flesh. You have the Spirit of God within you empowering you to guard your thoughts daily. Make it your daily aim to please the Lord, to be holy in body and spirit. With each no to sin and yes to Jesus you will find your relationship with Christ deepen and grow more satisfying. Until the day, Lord willing, that God provides a spouse, trust him to provide for you grace in your burning.
And friends, don’t give up in prayer. Keep talking to the Lord about your desires and asking him to give you a spouse.
Some of you today need to repent and steer clear of certain content that is leading to discontentment and lack of self-control: romantic comedies or novels, or pornography. Some of you need a breakthrough and a renewing of your mind because you’ve had idolatrous and twisted views of dating, marriage, and sexuality.
These are all things to confess to the Lord and others, perhaps in your DNA groups, and to seek wisdom for the best way forward. Be honest with yourself and others and surrender your desires to Jesus and his Lordship.
If you’re here today, men or women and have suffered the effects of sin through dating, waiting, marriage, or sex, I want to remind you that there is a redeemer who is a better, more committed spouse. He is not passive or domineering. He is not foolish or caught in secret sin, but a safe and secure home. He is not critical or selfish. But only full of steadfast love and delight in you. Our God is jealous for you. Our heavenly Father had betrothed you to his Son Jesus our Lord. When we were unfaithful and unworthy to be wed to him, he paid the highest cost to get us, even his own blood and clothed us in white. Sin has indeed touched every thing in this world but Jesus is reversing that curse and wants to restore what has been stolen from you. He who is making all things new is coming soon to get his pure bride.
Let’s devote ourselves again to Jesus today. He is good. His plans are for our abundant life and flourishing. So hold fast to him. Be patient in your waiting and let’s seek his Spirit together for
wisdom as we navigate many challenging questions in this life. He promises to give us all we need.